julyjuly

nyc family

7.29.10 (My 30th Birthday) KS, Jim, me, + Les. The closest people to me made it to my Landmark course completion night the evening of my birthday. It's really all I could have ever wanted - their company. It was the perfect gift. I can't say I had made their lives easy in the days leading up to my birthday... but I can say this whole experience left me with an incredible sense of empathy and love for everyone in the whole wide world and everything everyone goes through. (Especially unrelenting emotional storms). I may just never ever judge anyone ever again. And Imma never gonna get so busy that I can't hear the birds and see the patterns in the leaves in the trees. I love you guys.

Epilogue: Wow. How dramatic. To say the least, I've been stalling on putting up these last two weeks of my twenties because is THIS what everyone is going to see FIRST? They are such an abnormal couple weeks, as I really almost never trip out like this. Oh vey. But that's life, I suppose. And, I committed to documenting it. Things just happen when they happen. I'll be in a 9-month photojournalism course at the International Center of Photography in NYC for most the time I'm 30... starting in the beginning of September. I'll most likely be posting whatever projects I'm working on here: www.studiokenney.com. And, you can always reach me here: www.nicolekenney.com. Thank you for following my life this year.

life's a dance

7.29.10 (B) (MY 30th Birthday) Due to the whole belief system of what you look at creating your reality, KS suggested I replace this painting I have that resembles Aunt Kitty. In a testimant to keep my feet on the ground through the good times and hard times, I wrote with a Sharpie, "Life's a Dance." And to expand.... My new mantra is: "Life's a Dance. Be generous with yourself and others." And P.S. to answer my constant question, "Is everything OK?"... Yup. Always.

on the floor

7.29.10 (A) (My 30th Birthday) OK. So if I "completed" with Aunt Kitty... why is that same exact fear still drowning me around Jim? I'm petrified it was beautiful and now it changed in an instant... without notice... for the worse... and its never gonna let up. The morning of my birthday, he tries to just let me go / let us go a couple times, seeing the pain this relationship is causing me and thinking it's what I want. The idea of escaping the pain sounds good in a way, but something doesn't feel right about it. I just ask that we keep the phone lines open all day. My mouth is still oddly parched and I notice I'm walking really slowly. I call my mother in Atlanta and say, "Get out here. I'm not ok" (It brings tears to my eyes that she was ready to get on a 4pm flight.) Jim said even married people who have known each other a lot longer feel disconnected at times and probably even question the whole thing... (which is what started this whole thing - the storm on 7.19.10). It started to give me a light in my deep dark tunnel. I layed on my floor (above) and wrote out a few things. In my ramblings, I saw that **I** can create that it's OK if my mind or emotions visit that place. I make the rules for me. (An epiphany). I also saw that I don't know for sure what our future holds (and that's OK! another epiphany.) Taking from what I learned in the course, I decided to let go of resisting and controlling... and I called Jim back and asked him if he wanted to "dance" with me through the ups and downs. (Cuz I wanted to dance with him). He said yes, and we chose us. And started to feel lighter again. Looking back, this intense fear of mine was so much deeper than anything actually happening.

pnut butter and jam and jammies

7.28.10 Armed with sliced bread, pnut butter and jam, he attempts to make me my first meal of the day, but I just spit it out. My mouth is parched (even tho I just keep drinking and driking water), and my body just won't allow me to eat. He later grabs me and asks me, "Where did you go? Where did you go?"

midnight thirty cab ride

7.28.10 I haven't eaten all day and by the time I make the effort, it's past 10pm so everything is closed. I buy tuna and pasta from the deli but don't make anything. 12:30 am comes around. We are talking on the phone. I really want to wake up on my birthday with him, but something is holding me back from saying what I want. Fear, I think. He eventually says it and take a 12:30am cab up to the upper west side.

letter to aunt kittyu

7.27.10 (B) My Landmark coach, Cara, had me do this exercise to help me "complete" with my great aunt. I wrote her a letter. It's a pretty incredible trip, the universe runs - So the person I loved more than the world, caused me the most pain in the world, and I've actually brought that pain with me throughout my life. (until now). The context I created around Aunt Kitty's death as I was sobbing in my pillow at 7 was, "Things can change in an instant, for the worse, permanently, without any notice." And looking back at the periods of anxiety in my life, they all seemed to have a common thread. It was never about what was happening, but the FEAR (that so intermingled and covered everything) that the minorly bad thing that was happening was going to cause catostrophic negative results. Or in other words, "things were most certinaly about to change in an instant for the worse forever." And, I couldn't separate the fear from reality until now.

gross

7.27.10 (A) Tuesday after the course, I slept til around 1:30pm again. Body and mind, you must need it. I know this is incredibly gross, but I did it today and it's a perfect metaphor for what I am going through. When I have all these "stories" wrapped around the facts, the drain gets clogged and it's disgusting. When I clean myself out, everything flows. I am definitely doing a major de-clog on myself right now. And it's painfully gross.

pooped

7.26.10 Monday after the weekend. I sletp til 1:30pm. I looked so incredibly blank in all the photos I took of myself - this is actually one of the better ones. I deleted the rest immediately off my camera.. All I could bring myself to do was sleep and go to the park (with absolutely nothing but a blanket). I looked up at the trees and birds and they were so beautiful. I never go to the park with no agenda - I would at least sit in the sun for a sun tan. But no, just presence here. It was pretty incredible.

the relationships coaching group

7.25.10 I was working through a lot. Going on big downs with some releifs in between. The leader mentioned her ex-husband had a nervous breakdown and was in an asylum and I got seriously triggered. Anxiety filled me. And I paniced if it got worse, the same fate would happen to me. Like, things could change forever, permanently, for the worse, with my mental state. I got some coaching from a very present "empty" woman, who said, "maybe your anxiety will never go away." it gave me some relief. like, i stopped resisting it, cuz that resistance was causing the downward sprial. She said, almost welcome it as part of you. I had this lingering anxiety about Jim so I joined the coaching group around relationships. At dinner here, my incredible coach led me to talk about my very first upset as a child, and as per usual I choked up talking about the death of my Aunt Kitty. She asked if I"completed that" in the landmark forum and I said (tears streaming down my face), "How do you complete something with a dead person?"

landmark notes

7.24.10 To help me get through this "eck" period, I decided to take a landmark course - one of the many ways to "self help." It was the Communication Course (to be specific), which some call the love course. I walked in there confronted, almost physically ill, pretty sure I was on the verge of an emotional or mental breakdown. I asked to speak to the leader in order to change it to another weekend - not sure I could sign away on my mental and emotional wellbeing (as they have you do), but she encouraged me to stay. Instead of "I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown," with her coaching, I changed my wording to "I'm OK, but I'm confronted," and promised to stay in the class the whole weekend." Some people get consumed by their thoughts and others get consumed by their emotions. It was made clear to me this weekend, I'm a feeling queen. Here are some of my notes - I filled up a notebook.

post honeymoon period

7.23.10 We went to that great Ethiopian place for dinner in Fort Greene. The last time we were there, was the only other time we were there. And, actually the first night we spent together. As we sat down, Jim told the waitress that last time we were here, we were in the honeymoon phase, and that is over now. It seemed like she enjoyed this below the surface conversation that I assume she doesn't have everyday with customers

a quiet bench near home

7.22.10 (B) I went out to buy a pack of cigarettes. But too many people were on the street. I wanted somewhere safe and alone to go. Sometimes I'm ok with the cat calls on the street, but tonight, I was like, just get the fuck away from me. I found a park with benches around the corner and a safe quiet place to sit. I called my mom. i said, I dunno what's going on, but I just feel anxious lately.

me purging

7.22.10 (A) Purging junk. There were many things in my apartment I hadn't touched in years that were just collecting stagnant energy. This was the biggest purge I've ever done. It felt like a big release. Without knowing anything about feng shui, I think I was practicing it

me depressed

7.21.10 I'm not really sure what's going on, but I know I need space.
Perfect timing for Edelman to not need me to work this week.
KS, get away from me. Jim, get away from me. Anyone else, go ahead and do the same.

shana

7.20.10 (B) KS and I finally get together with Shana and talk shop. She has a vision board for her life partner, which she is commited to meeting by the end of this summer. My anxiety makes no sense, because if I were to create a vision board with my perfect man, it would just be Jim. So what's wrong with me that I'm feeling off about it all?

sweet baby jesus

7.20.10 (A) I'm in the super market back in Brooklyn. Jim and I have an inside joke about how people worship the baby Jesus over just plane old Jesus. We always send text photos, so I send him this photo as a text, cuz everything is as normal and as wonderful as usual, right?

the storm dun dun dun

7.19.10 This storm came out of nowhere. It was beautiful. And apocolyptic. I held onto him in the water as the rain drops hit the water around us. I noticed how beautiful it was. He said his heart was so incredibly open and his heart chackra was eminating light. I paniced. I thought OH SHIT, is mine that open? I don't think so, and what's wrong with me? I closed up the rest of the day just explaining I was in my "unrelated" state. Til we explored why in the car ride on the way home. And my insecurity fueled his and we had a severe emotional storm in the enclosed space of the car for the hours and hours it took to get home.

oysters

7.18.10 Tonight we walked around Provincetown and had super dooper fresh Oysters here right at the bar.
The words came out of my mouth, "I have never been this happy in a relationship before."

jimmy pensive

7.17.10 (C) He's my pensive cowboy.
And we had the most AMAZING lobster and steamers here. So fresh. Steamers are incredible! I never had 'em before!
So get 'em if you go to Cape Cod. and, also go to Sal's if you go there. A woman named Laura owns it and it's the best canole you'll ever have.
We spent 10 dollars on gas and 18 dollars on two canoles and it was worth every penny.

jimmy presence in the lake

7.17.10 (B) I can't explain it but I the closest I came to deep, solid, true, lasting presence was in this lake with Jimmy. Time stood still and we just "were". I think I was sitting on him, perhaps my legs were wrapped around him, and my cheek was on his with the water up to our chest. Time passed (I think) for infinity (I think) or maybe a bit less, and I only noticed when some little child said "What are those girls doing?" Then we giggled. And so did her parents.

kayaking

7.17.10 (A) My first kayaking experience!

cape cod and jimboz

7.16.10 Jimbo and I made it to Cape Cod for the long weekend. This was just after a tough week: Jim having anxiety about Ella being in a 3rd world country, him having anxiety about me for other reasons, then me fuckin' up by putting our "relationship status" on facebook - then letting it freak me out and taking it down. Eff facebook, Imma gonna tell the world how much I love Jim Rogers on Diary29.... just in the fasion I wanna. And to make it clear, I told him when we got to Cape Cod, (In spite of this facebook debacle) "I want you around permanently."

dinner out by myself

7.15.10 I took tonight to myself. A table for just one, thanks. Took myself out to Mexican (my favorite cuisine) and read my kind of book.
Me-time is so important (as are chips and salsa and salt on the side of your margarita).

chocolate chip cookie

7.14.10 Snacks and bathroom breaks I notice are an escape from work. I think I'm burnt out.
I braved side-ways rain the other day in search of a chocolate chip cookie. The mission was successful.

ks zaytoons

7.13.10 "Shit KS, I haven't taken a photo yet today." Click.
Tuesday work night for the Before I die I want to... project at Zaytoon's, our local middle eastern joint.

al and mike nytimes shot

7.12.10 Alison + Mike are submitting their wedding announcement to the NYtimes and yours truly took their shot for the article.
We then took advantage of restaurant week and had dinner with Jim so they could meet him before the wedding.
The text that came after dinner bout jim had 3 exclamation points :)

nyc family portrait

7.11.10 (B) NYC family portrait.

7.11.10 (A) Shoppin with mummakins. It's what we do best.

tatum and jim

7.10.10 We've figured out Tatum is a bit jeal with a new man around the house.

ks making jewelry

7.9.10 Spent some nice downtime with KS tonight. She makes these incredibly goregeous earrings cuz she's incredibly talented.

7.8.10 Today I had a little bit of a brain flu. Mentally out of it. Anxiety. Unprovoked.
I left work early... and just slep away at Jim's house. This is the view out his window.

steph and baby clothes

7.7.10 (B)

steph

7.7.10 (A) Stephanie was the TA for a portrait class I took. Upon meeting her, I thought, "I want to be friends with her." :) She is so happily pregnant and asked me to make art about her in her 4th month. She shoots rooftops in the summer (and other incredible work: www.stephaniederouge.com). Look at the pooch on her belly!

ian and carol

7.6.10 Ian and Carol (his momma) were in Manhattan for the eve. Carol called me a slut when I was 13 and off hiding in the catering area with her son after a Bat Mitzvah. Little did she know he was the one corrupting me. We laughed about this evening (16 years later). She said she must've had a lot to drink and she's so liberal anyway.

border patrol

7.5.10 Border patrol. Comin' back to America.

jim and poontang

7.4.10 On the day to celebrate our fine country, Jim and I jumped ship to Canada. Montreal, to be exact. Had poutine. Rented bicycles. Caught a tiny bit of jazz fest. Saw charming old architecture, experienced another culture (not too far away).

jim in front of bonfire

7.3.10 (C) My cowboy in front of the bonfire.

jim and nic

7.3.10 (B) He just looks so cute here, I can't stand it.

nns and sabine wedding on my iphone

7.3.10 (A) Sabine and Nadar Nihal got married. And I looked through the photos on my iphone in a tent with Jim in upstate New York. It wasn't too long ago that I thought Nadar Nihal (then Brett), and I were going to spend "forever" together. Time goes by and things change. Everything feels (and is) in its right place.

miss nicole's last day

7.2.10 The two Nicoles. Miss Nicole (Norton) spent 6 years at Edelman. And this is her last day. I think she's happy about it.

china town smells

7.1.10 (B) Chinatown always STINKS.

danelle and nolan

7.1.10 (A) The first day of the fiscal year. The first offical day of our new group, Edelman Presentation Strategy.
Paul brought us in a homemade breakfast. Danelle and Nolan look happy :)


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